How to Support a Loved One Who is Grieving
When we, or someone else, are grieving, some thoughts may be helpful:
* Grief does not have a time limit. It does not magically get better with Time.
* Time itself does not heal our wounds or sadness. It is the process that a person goes through that allows her or him to move through grief.
* Just because one feels that it is time to move on, it isn't so. It takes as long as it takes and often nobody knows what that is.
* There is no moving on; there is moving through. There is a lot of being stuck while figuring out how to move through.
* Consider leaving any judgments at the door before interacting with someone who is grieving. It will be understood and appreciated. Better yet, practice leaving judgements at the door anytime, with anyone, including with yourself.
* It is not about you. You do not live someone else’s life. It is very important to be really aware when you give any advice. Ask yourself what is really driving you to give the advice: what will the advice truly achieve.
* Appreciate the turmoils that the bereaved may be going through.
* We all have egos and judgments. It is wiser and kinder to leave them both at the door.
* If you desire to help and serve, use your two ears and heart first. Listen, from the heart. Take time to digest what is being said and equally unsaid, not what you will say next. This, too, goes a long way in all conversations, with the grieving and otherwise.
* Help unconditionally, not in your own terms. Ask how you can be of service. The bereaved know what they need better than you, but may not have the courage to say it. If they do not have the energy to think what they need, use your ears and heart again and you may understand better what’s really needed.
* Weigh the importance of the minutia you may be occupied with before sharing them. On the scheme of things, perhaps they are not critical to take up time and space when real life and death matters may be on someone else’s mind.
* When we truly can help someone, unconditionally, is when we may be closer to being liberated, without the chains we wrap ourselves in.
* Authenticity is even more important than ever. Its presence and absence can be detected easier than one might imagine.
* Patience is a gift we can give to ourselves, and to those beloveds who go through life’s tremors.
* Practice kindness.
* Bring with you your vulnerability, humility, and attention.
* Be genuine through it all.
Yasemin Isler, Dec 2016