Being Strong - Courage and Grief
Yasemin Isler
In some cultures, when someone dies, even days later, the words of consolation include “Be strong’. It seems that no one has sat down to process the visceral responses this directive of courage towards grief could bring up on the receiving end. A grieving person doesn’t really need to be told how to be, on top of the burden they already carry. They are already busy swaying between shock and mustering up courage from reserves they weren’t aware existed. There is no need for reminders of the obvious.
How intertwined the extremes of courage dance within us, to the tune that grief plays. There is such strength in being with deep sorrow and facing it. This act uses tremendous energy. One needs to preserve the energy of that courage, in order to not waste it. So, your grieving friend may avoid getting together with you or appear in large crowds, until they have enough energy to spare.
When my husband died, many loved ones out of the kindness of their hearts and cultural conditioning would tell me to “be strong.” I didn’t have the energy to respond to them in the moment, about how it felt being told to “be strong”. Instead, I focused on tending my heart, with kindness. I keep reminding those who grieve that they are already courageous just getting out of the bed in the morning. They don’t need to be reminded to “be strong.” Be kind when you see a grieving heart. Be kind, gentle and patient with your grieving heart.
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