Father’s Day and Grief

Yasemin Isler

Warm, heartfelt, kind wishes to all fathers grieving their children, children grieving their fathers, children who lost their fathers so young that memories have faded or didn’t have a chance to exist, and those who lost the father figure of their families, widows, spouses, partners. Personal and generational griefs. Father’s Day can put extra coal in the fire of grief for those in the midst of graduation ceremonies being reminded of their losses.

There is no easy way to process this time. We can only do the best that we can.

My father died a very long time ago. My husband died young when our son was five years old. My mother lost her dad at the age of five, too. Our losses have seen the hands of time and made something new of our experiences and our attitudes, our resilience, and gratitude. We miss these people with all our hearts.

So the truth of love, loss, and grief co-mingle with the tradition of Father’s Day.

One day in a year is created randomly to recognize fathers. Another one mothers. It is enticing to attach to the notion and go along with the flow of this cycle. Momentary celebrations may be beneficial to a degree. On the other hand, when they are put on a pedestal, what does it mean for the rest of the time, for the remaining days of a year? What does it feel like for those who are marginalized for not partaking for various reasons?

There are children and grown adults grieving fathers or mothers or both. There are fathers and mothers grieving children gone too soon. Some men and women wanted to become parents but could not for various reasons. This kind of gratitude, which we are being conditioned to extend to certain people on certain days of the year, is a double-edged sword. It allows appreciation to come up to the surface, some genuine, some obligatory. It focuses on what’s present. It also emphasizes lack.

What if gratitude could fuse into our hearts and minds in a way that transcends times and traditions? One that doesn’t require reminders, cards, gifts, or flowers? That is practiced throughout the year. That is extended to all the people in our lives. Even all people, and further all beings create our version of life. An inquiry that is unique to each one of us.

Yasemin, June 2018