Imagine this as the 30 second reel of my grief journey. It is a nod to the nooks and crannies, ups and downs, hills and valleys, without the details, a brush stroke of titles and subtitles. Just as your grief journey has its trailers and the actual hours long motion picture that draws you in, and others to accompany you.
Yasemin
This is a journey of exploring loss, missing a loved one, and finding the strength to move on. But above all, it's a journey of self-discovery and finding oneself amidst the chaos. In this blog, I give you a brush stroke of my personal experiences as a widow navigating the once rough and now calm seas of grief.
Missing and Wondering
It's a strange and haunting feeling, missing someone. You look for them in the places you used to go, in the streets you used to walk, in the faces of the people passing by. But they're not there, and you're left to wonder if they're fine wherever they are.
In the early days following his transition, I would walk on the street, parks and beaches, we used to frequent. I would look at the places we used to sit, laugh, argue, and make up. I would wonder if he was there with me, transparent but there. I could hear his voice and laughter. All I could see was an empty chair.
On so many occasions, somehow an empty chair would be beside me, at the table with many others. Somehow he signaled to me that he was there. Or maybe it was a simple coincidence that kept happening over and over, and I found comfort in that empty chair which symbolized he was still there in spirit and in memories.
Moving Through Loss
Loss is a steep mountain to climb. The climb is exhausting. The path is often lonely and filled with obstacles. But it's a climb that one must undertake after a loss. It is not easy to simply stay there, frozen, for too long That is even more exhausting.
Moving through loss is like walking through a thick forest without a map. Or swimming in a sea of molasses. You have to keep moving, to get to the edge, even if you don't know where you're going. You sense that there is an edge and a spaciousness, or at least a clearing somewhere that will give you pause and peace for a while.
The important thing is to keep going while also knowing when to pause and just be with all that is. Don't just try to push through, in order to quickly get out of this grief. Move through it at your own pace, guided by the wisdom of your inner stillness.
Diary of a Widow
Being a widow is an identity that I never thought I would have to adopt. Yet, life has a way of throwing curveballs at us, and we have no choice but to catch them and adjust our path accordingly.
Being a widow can be a tough pill to swallow, if you allow it. It's a label that society puts on you. It comes with its own set of expectations and stereotypes. I remind myself that I'm more than just a widow. I'm a woman with dreams, aspirations, and a life to live.
Finding Myself in All That Is Life
Despite the pain and the loss, life goes on. It transforms in ways unplanned and unimagined. In the process of moving through, I found myself discovering new, or maybe forgotten, aspects of my own personality. I found strength I never knew I possessed and resilienceI trusted that I had yet never had the courage to find out until this loss.
In the midst of the storm, I found myself. I found my strength, my courage, and my will to keep going. I found joy in the little things, and I found love in the most unexpected places. And that's the intricacy, magic, power and beauty of life. It keeps going, and it takes you along with it.
An Unfolding and Ongoing Journey
The journey of grief is a difficult one, It is also a journey of self-discovery and growth. Through my personal experiences, I’ve witnessed that even in the darkest of times, there's a light to keep pulling me towards it. It is patient and with my self-awareness, I know how to move along, with it around me and within me, and towards it, a future that is still bright with hope and possibilities, as long as I am still breathing. Tthat light is within all of us, waiting to be discovered.
Grief is a part of life, but it's not the end of it. It's a powerful chapter in the book of life. The lessons it teaches us and the strength it instills in us are ours to keep forever.
With love and gratitude,
Yasemin
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